Continued from the part 2: How clouds came by – 2
Part 1: How clouds came by – 1
Warning: thoughts of suicide, and ideation of suicide is mentioned within this post. These might be triggers for some readers. If suicide and suicidal thoughts are some things that you are uncomfortable with, or are triggers for you, kindly do not proceed. Thank you.
On the worst day, I was at work. In between cases, I opened my phone, and googled ‘psychotherapist near me’. I saw a lot of profiles, before seeing the profile of the psychotherapist I finally met up with. Over the next two days, I set up the appointment, and met her a few weeks later.
In the weeks before my appointment, I opened up to the people closest to me. I told them how I was feeling, and why I was feeling the way I was. The two people I’m closest to had the same thing to say – you’ve given up on everything except work. Maybe it’s time for you to go back to it. Why don’t you start reading, and writing?
So, I did. I took a day off. I opened a story book after a very long time, and I let myself be immersed in a completely different world altogether. It took me some time to get used to the winding prose – I had become so accustomed to direct, to-the-point statements from textbooks, that the meandering sentences in the storybook seemed like a waste of time to me. But, at the end of it, I felt a bit more like myself, a bit more like how I’d been before.
I started writing, and it felt very forced. The words didn’t flow like they did before. My handwriting had gone to dogs (pardon the pun) after writing only shorthand and prescription notes. Somehow, I wrote enough to make my problem seem a lot lesser than what it was, and make me feel better about myself. But it didn’t feel enough.
Finally, when I met my psychotherapist, I felt like I was sharing at last. That’s what I’d wanted to do this entire time. I wanted to share myself to others, to be seen and acknowledged by others. I didn’t know how to do that anymore with the people around me. I’d gotten used to keeping others at arm’s length, and I didn’t want to trade the mental peace I enjoyed with the instantaneous gratification I would feel while sharing.
She told me I was experiencing burnout, after having worked really hard for so long. She recommended keeping a journal, and to keep being mindful of myself throughout the day. After that session, I felt happy. I felt really good about myself.
I started being mindful of my needs, physically, mentally and emotionally. But as far as was journaling was concerned, I couldn’t be regular about it. I’d feel like writing on some days. Other days, I wouldn’t want to.
I didn’t want to just journal. I’ve tried journaling before. When I was much younger, I’ve maintained daily diaries. That soon turned out to be a chore, one which I gave up on quite easily. During the extremely tumultuous time that was my first romantic relationship, I maintained diaries to keep track of what was going on in my head, to keep events straight through the gaslighting and emotional abuse. Over the years, I’ve logged in what I’ve felt during certain instances in my life. About a year ago, I got a ‘weekly’ diary – a book which had questions that I would answer on a weekly basis, to keep track of my mental health. But that wasn’t enough.
I wanted to share how I felt. I wanted to be creative with my writing. I wanted to feel the thrill of creating something and sharing it with others. And, that is how I came back to the idea of creating a blog.
A blog, to me, meant structure and discipline. It meant I would have to stay on my toes and keep my eyes and ears open to experiences I wanted to catalogue. It meant I could get innovative with the stories I wanted to share. My mind would be engaged in thinking of the next thing I wanted to write about, and a mind kept busy thinking about the things it likes is a happy mind.
My mental health has improved. I feel like I’m in a much better place now, physically, mentally and emotionally. All of that frustration, exhaustion and desperation gave birth to something that is helping me be myself again, and, hopefully, helping you in some way, too.
So here I am, sharing myself with you. You don’t know me. I don’t know you, either. But, if you can see some of yourself in what you read here, and if it helps you go about your day a little happier, a little more thoughtful, a little lighter, I’ll be glad. If, someday, you ever feel like sharing, I’ll be right here, happy to help relieve some of your burden.
Thank you for choosing this cloud to float on today. Hopefully, one day, if you ever need someone to hear you out, I’ll be able to return the favour.
This turned out to be a lot longer than I thought it would be. Thank you for reaching this point. I was initially going to release it as just two parts, but the second part got very bulky. Thank you for sticking around for so long. Hopefully, it was able to help you out in some way.
If you ever want to share, or want someone to listen, I’ll be there, a message or a comment away. Thank you for listening to me, and I hope you return soon!