A perennial cloud

Dear reader,

Well, here we are, at a milestone I didn’t expect we’d reach. Exactly one revolution (of the Earth around the Sun) ago, while I sat in a bus seat on my way back home, I decided to reminisce about travelling, and all the crazy things that had happened during multiple bus rides, over the years. And remembering what my therapist had told me about journaling my thoughts, I decided to write a Google note about it, but it didn’t feel like it would be enough. I decided I wanted to share my thoughts. So, I put it out there in the vast void that is the Internet, in the hopes that someone reads it, and, hopefully, feels something because of it.

So, this started off as a place for me to talk about the abstract and the random, about thoughts and observations that would pop up in my brain that I wanted to flesh out and share with people, but not the people around me, and get back to writing. But writing has always touched a deeply subconscious place for me, and writing brought out a lot more than I bargained for – personal, bottled up stories that I thought would never see the light of day, and a lot more trauma than I bargained for. But here we are, one year later, and I can tell you that you know me better than almost everyone who physically knows me.

Speaking of those who physically know me, there are six people, apart from my therapist, who know about this blog, of whom two people read as a hobby, so I can expect them to read from time to time. While I know a lot of people who I could probably share this blog with, I haven’t — and probably won’t, because this blog evolved, over time, to become my mental safe space. A place for me to share my troubles and problems, to work through my jumbled thoughts to find the underlying solution which, more often than not, was a change in perspective that was staring at me in the face the whole time. And from there, the deeper I went, I realised that some things that I went through, the trauma and the absolute garbage that I’ve seen in life, could maybe help someone else – maybe as advice, maybe as an example, maybe to feel a little less alone.

Because that’s what I feel, when I’m here with you guys. I feel a little less alone, and I hope I make you feel a little less alone, too. In the very powerful and humbling words of Hannah Gadsby, from her Netflix Special ‘Nanette‘:

I will not allow my story to be destroyed. What I would’ve done to hear a story like mine. Not for blame. Not for reputation, not for money, not for power. But to feel less alone. To feel connected.

I want my story… Heard. Because, ironically, I believe Picasso was right. I believe we could paint a better world if we learnt how to see it from all perspectives, as many perspectives as we possibly could. Because diversity is strength. Difference is a teacher. Fear difference, and you learn nothing.

Hannah Gadsby, ‘Nanette’

So here I am, at the end of one year, looking at the beginning of a new one. A little less alone, a little less scared, and a little more hopeful. It’s been a crazy year, and I couldn’t have done it without all of you who have been with me through this. You may have joined at different times, but I hope you’ve enjoyed the ride so far, and found something that made you smile a little, snort a bit. I hope you found something that helped you feel something within you, or found something that helped you in your own life.

This is my happy new year, to all of you. Thank you for seeing me through this past year, and here’s to the ride ahead!

All my love,

~rk

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