I’m not content, and I’m not sure why.
For a couple of days, it was an intoxicating combination of feeling untethered due to the issues in my personal life, feeling lonely after having spent time with friends and family, and the worst premenstrual depression I’ve ever had in my life so far. As I usually do, I waited for the premenstrual depression to pass, since it’s an irrational sense of doom and negativity with no basis, and it goes away as soon as I get my period the next day. This time, though, it lasted for nearly a week, and it got bad enough for me to not want to speak to anyone outside of a professional context the entire time.
I did get my period eventually, and the feeling did pass, but not completely, it seems. I’m no longer waiting to cry, nor am I begrudging the state of the world and the people in it, but I’m… Just not happy. And discontentment for no reason sits around in my mind with just about as much functionality as a VCR gathering dust in times like these. And given that my mind has a pre-existing tendency to tilt heavily towards the negative, I prefer to deal with negativity at the door, preventing entry if I can help it.
One part of me thinks that my honeymoon phase with this city and its people has fizzled out. After the quiet and calm comfort of my hometown, filled with people who love me, this city seems like too… Much. Too loud, too selfish, too egocentric. And way too polluted and expensive, as great cities are.
And I’m alone, with a long record of picking and getting close to crazies, which gave rise to a fear of engaging with new people least they turn out to be another crazy.
My current biggest life fear is having my house broken in. Surprisingly, or maybe not, the second biggest life fear is becoming friends with someone who might turn out to be my Achilles heel ‘type’ of friend – narcissistic, selfish, their brilliance dazzling me into unbelievable stupidity and overshadowing everything terrible around them. Having had multiple such friends throughout my life, having given such people important places in my heart, and having had to eventually kick them out, I don’t trust myself too much to make friends with people I find myself instinctively attracted to.
The other type I manage to pick out from the crowd are ‘takers’ – emotionally dependant people who decide I’m their emotional crutch, and take all the positive emotion I have to give to them, giving back a whole load of bullshit in return. I like helping people to make myself feel a little less terrible about myself, not out of selflessness or any other noble characteristic that I may possess. Given my relatively recent discovery of my white knight complex, I’ve gone completely off on extending an unsolicited helping hand, unless absolutely and apparently necessary.
And given my past affinity to both these types – sometimes existing in one person – and my track record with emotional pain and attachment, I’m more scared about making friends than I’ve been at any point of my life. As someone who has made some colossal mistakes her entire life and taken time to deal with the consequences, sometimes over years, I’m scared of making more such mistakes. While I wish I could say, with complete confidence, that I won’t get attached to emotionally avoidant types, I feel like I might.
The reason I’m low on confidence regarding my choice in people is because I don’t give myself enough credit. As bad as some of my choices have been, I have had friends who have been with me for as long as I was capable of making memories. I’ve had fruitful, long lasting relationships which have been as fulfilling as a romantic relationship, without the sex. And I still continue to enjoy the company, support and love of the people who see me in a much better light than I see myself in, people who have seen me through my highs and lows and continue to love me for the person I was, am, and will be.
I’m not content because I’m terrified. I’m terrified of making mistakes, of being hurt, of feeling unintelligent. But what is life, if not learning from one set of mistakes, only to make new ones?
Today, however, doesn’t have me feeling very brave, or very adventurous. So, until then, I’m going to continue to sit in the quiet comfort of my cozy little home, getting through life, one day at a time.