Fear

What I’m feeling is a change in the weather. The moments of calm, the feeling of static making my hair stand on its end. Or is it dread? I can’t differentiate. Something big is coming, and I can’t be sure what it is.

Something has changed. I had given up the hope that things would ever be different, to be honest. I had given up hope that I would ever get the vindication of having kept my mouth shut through all the unfairness thrown at me and powered my way through the frustration and exhaustion. Why is it unfair, you ask? What is fairness, if not a construct, you say? I say, we can choose to be philosophical in a general sense, or we can see life as a sum of its parts, and examine each part. And in this part, what I see is a situation that only time can improve, a situation where the only thing to look forward to in the future because it is in the future that this time will pass.

Philosophically, nothing matters. We’re all going to perish, and then it’s not going to matter what my marks were or whether my dress coordinated with my shoes. Even beyond that, nothing is going to matter – whether I’m married or single or having kids or being good to my parents or being friendly with my neighbours… None of it is going to matter. But living life with the strict mantra of “It doesn’t matter” prevents you, in quite a few ways, from actually enjoying what life, in its infinite chaos, has to offer.

The past does matter because it affects our present. The present does matter, because it’s here, and we’re in it. And the future… Well. It matters, but not quite. There’s so much you have no control over, and very little of what you do have control over actually counts. I stopped grieving over the past and worrying about the future, but that doesn’t stop me from experiencing a sense of dread when my subconscious picks up signals that I can’t quite put into words yet. And that is happening now.

The tides are changing. Something is shifting. It feels strangely eerie, and I feel like it’s not going to be long before I’m able to fully perceive what I’m feeling. The peace feels very temporary, and I know it’s going to pass soon.

God, this week has been tough. It’s been stressful to the point of nausea, it’s been frustrating to the point of exhaustion. I’m home, but I don’t know if I want to be here. The people I grew up depending on are now depending on me, and I don’t know how to feel about it. People I thought I knew have grown and changed, and I feel… I feel alone. Untethered. Floating around, trying to find my roots. Trying to make sense of the pandemonium that is my life right now.

Sleep feels like a construct. Life seems like a confusing dream right now. I’m not on mood-altering substances, even though this entire conversation has been disjointed from start to finish. But I still feel the dread. I still feel something is coming, and I do know I can’t stop it. I feel my connections to people changing, the string tying us together growing slack. There’s so little happening outside, and so much happening within me.

I’m scared. I’m genuinely scared. And it feels like this emotion is here to stay for a while, an unwanted guest, a blaring billboard with the message loud and clear:

Something is coming. And you’re not going to like it.

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